I Lost Myself in Relationships — Until I Learned This One Truth

I got married at 22.

Not because I was deeply in love — but because I wanted out.

I was trying to escape an emotionally unsafe environment with my parents, and marriage felt like the only door open to me at the time. I knew my partner struggled with alcohol. I saw the red flags. I ignored them.

What many people don’t know is that, over time, he became an important and respected person in the city. When we got married, we had nothing. Together, we built a life that looked successful from the outside.

So when I finally asked for a divorce after 12 years, no one believed me.

From the outside, it looked like I was leaving everything behind.

What they didn’t see was that I had already lost myself.

I left that marriage with no money. None.
My parents helped me buy basic necessities — even toilet paper.

I still remember standing there, holding the cheapest, roughest toilet paper I had ever used, feeling a level of humiliation I had never known before. It wasn’t about the paper. It was about realizing how far I had fallen — emotionally, financially, and socially.

My parents “supported” me, but at the same time blamed me.
They said I had destroyed my family.
They called me names.
They made me feel ashamed for choosing myself.

Friends I thought would stand by me didn’t.
Most stayed on my ex-husband’s side.

Even my best friend never asked if I was okay.
Never asked if I needed anything.
Never showed up.

I was alone.

My children were just 3 and 5 years old.

To this day, I don’t know how I survived that period. I only know that I did — because I had no other choice.

That was the first truly devastating chapter of my life. And even then, despite the shame, the judgment, the poverty, and the loneliness, one thing was clear:

I could not live in that marriage anymore.

Leaving didn’t make me free immediately.
But staying would have destroyed me completely.

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It’s for women who had to survive love, judgment, and starting over — and are slowly coming back to themselves.

There’s nothing to fix and nothing to rush.
Just words you can return to when you need reassurance.

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Four years later, I married again.

And this time, fear lived inside my home.

Every single day, I walked on eggshells. I never knew when he would explode — or who it would be directed at. Sometimes it was me. Sometimes it was my children.

That unpredictability was the worst part.

Some days, he was loving.
The charming partner.
The attentive husband.
The “fun” stepdad.

And then — suddenly — the worst could happen.

I still struggle to understand how fragile I was when I entered that relationship. How deeply broken parts of me believed I could save him.

I truly thought our meeting was something supernatural.
That God had brought us together for a reason.
That I had a role to play in his healing.

I was deeply involved in the church at the time, and I believed — with everything in me — that if he started going to church, he would change.

That belief almost destroyed us.

We moved to the United States together.

And everything got worse.

Within one month of arriving, he physically abused my son.

He left bruises on my child’s face.

That moment shattered something in me forever.

And yet — like so many abusive relationships — the cycle began immediately:

Eventually, I asked for help.

I reported him.

My son received emotional support from the county — help that saved him in ways I will forever be grateful for.

That chapter alone could be its own story.
And so could the conversation about how religion can sometimes cover abuse instead of exposing it.

Those will be told — later.

What matters here is this:

I chose my children.

And once again, I chose divorce.

Leaving meant starting over — again.

It meant facing judgment — again.
Explaining myself — again.
Carrying shame that wasn’t mine — again.

But this time, I knew something for sure:

Staying would have destroyed my children.

And that was not an option.

If you’ve ever felt like you were constantly bracing yourself…

You’re not alone — and you’re not weak.

I wrote a free guide as a quiet companion to this story:
“5 Truths Every Woman Needs After Losing Herself in Relationships.”

It’s not about labels or pressure — just grounding truths for women who lived through what others never saw.

👉 Receive the guide when you’re ready

I’m from Brazil, but much of my life unfolded in the United States.

After my second divorce, I raised my children alone — in another country, another culture, another language. No family nearby. No safety net.

I did what many women do:

I became strong because I had no other choice.

Eventually, my children returned to Brazil to build their own lives. And when they left, everything I had been holding together quietly fell apart.

The depression that followed wasn’t dramatic.

It was heavy.

It was waking up and wondering what the point was.
It was feeling like a failure as a wife, a mother, a woman.
It was questioning every decision I had ever made.

I had reached what felt like the end of the tunnel.

And I didn’t know how to keep going.

One day, a friend offered me a therapy session.

It came at the exact moment I had nothing left.

For the first time in years, I saw a tiny light — and I made a decision that would change my life:

I chose to live.

Not dramatically.
Not perfectly.

But intentionally.

I started applying what I was learning.

I signed up for dance classes.
I filled my calendar with experiences instead of isolation.
I met new people.
I learned meditation.
I learned manifestation.
I learned to sit with myself without judgment.

Slowly, something changed.

I started smiling again.

And for the first time in years, it wasn’t forced.

After everything I had been through, I wasn’t looking for love.

I wasn’t searching for a partner.
I wasn’t trying to be rescued.
I just wanted to live again.

A close friend invited me to stay with her in Florida. At that point, I was already feeling a strong pull to change my environment — to leave survival mode behind and start fresh somewhere new.

I went to visit “just to check it out.”
But deep down, I already knew.

One night, we went out.

I didn’t go with expectations.
I didn’t go looking for anyone.

I went to dance.

That’s when I met my husband.

We danced. That was it. No drama. No intensity. No chasing. Just ease.

And 3 months and 14 days later, we were married.

What made it different wasn’t the timeline — it was the feeling.

For the first time in my life, love didn’t feel like walking on eggshells.
It felt calm. Safe. Grounded.

Long before meeting him, I had been working deeply on my inner world.

I was visualizing my life — not from desperation, but from clarity.

I had written exactly what I wanted in a partner.
Not just qualities — but how I wanted to feel.

And he was everything I had written.

There was one visualization I returned to often:
holding someone’s hand at sunset, feeling peace, feeling chosen, feeling safe.

I used to picture it clearly.

And today, I live in Naples, Florida — the very place where that image becomes real almost every night.

That realization still takes my breath away.

Nothing was forced.

I didn’t chase.
I didn’t convince.
I didn’t shrink or over-explain.

Life simply met me where I had finally aligned with myself.

The universe didn’t reward me — it responded.

And I know this part of my journey deserves its own story, because it wasn’t magic.

It was healing.

Here’s what I know now:

You don’t lose yourself because you’re weak.
You lose yourself because you adapted in order to survive.

And survival asks you to shrink.

Especially women over 40 — women who gave everything to relationships, families, marriages — often wake up one day and realize they don’t recognize themselves anymore.

But here’s the truth that changed my life:

It’s not too late.

I share my story for the woman who feels:

There is a way back to yourself.

There is a life that feels peaceful.
There is love that doesn’t hurt.
There is joy after survival.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

You don’t have to carry this alone.

If this story felt familiar, I created a free, gentle guide to walk beside you:

5 Truths Every Woman Needs After Losing Herself in Relationships

👉 Receive the guide

💛

— Juliana Motta